“There is no God.” repeated Sergio as he slowly lifted the bottle back to his lips. One of his drinking buddies clumsily stumbled over and slapped him on the shoulder. “Well said, pal…well said.” Others in the bar soon drifted over to join the conversation. “Tell us,” interjected one, “how come you so sure ‘bout that?” Sergio leaned back and allowed his gaze to travel far away as if to some dark, painful memory. After several seconds of unusual silence, Sergio found himself pouring out his troubled past to the only people he thought cared. The one time he could open up about his brother’s death, was when he was in an inebriated state. Sergio wept bitterly as he recounted the argument between Ivan and his wife the night of the tragedy; how he had been unable to face life anymore, and his ultimate fate as he pulled the trigger. The men in the bar listened with pity to the horrendous story, injecting a loud sob or “wise” statement whenever possible.
Although these weekly gatherings followed much the same pattern, affording Sergio some degree of comfort, he would always wake up on Mondays from his temporary forgetfulness with the sorrowful recognition that his brother was indeed gone, and he now had to face a whole new week with the incurable pain of that realization.
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5 years earlier…
Sergio squinted at the bright light hanging directly above his hospital bed. His head was throbbing. Up until that morning, he had felt no pain due to the excessive amount of alcohol in his body at the time of the accident. But now that the effect of the alcohol was subsiding, the gravity of the situation began to dawn on him as he looked down at his arm securely held in a cast.
After a few minutes a doctor walked into the room. “You have no idea how lucky you are, young man.” began the doctor in a sober tone. “The break in your arm was a compound fracture. Your numbers were a millimeter within the perimeters calling for an amputation.” he stopped for a moment to let his words sink in. “But as it was so near the perimeter, I decided to try and save your arm. I’ve inserted two plates and fourteen screws.” then he added “Those norms exist for a reason, but we’ll see how your body reacts. Hopefully the bones will unite as normal and you’ll be good to go, but it’s very probable they won’t be able to reconnect you’ll eventually have to come back and we’ll have to amputate.
Shaken from the realization of just how near he had been to loosing his arm, Sergio made a concerted effort to refrain from excess and try to live a healthier lifestyle. As a result he made it through the remainder of college without getting into too much trouble.
Although he had grown up in a secular home with no religious affiliation, there was never a question in Sergio’s mind as to the existence of a God. As a teenager, he would often talk to God about his emotional and spiritual needs and tell Him how he felt. The answers to these simple prayers seemed to come in the strangest ways, not in the manner the young boy would have envisioned.
While the other boys at school could get away with just about anything, Sergio seemed to get caught more times than not. At the High School which he attended, there was a practice among the boys who wanted to be cool, to show off their stealth by stealing donuts from the coffee shop. Whenever someone was caught, they would be severely reprimanded and forced to pay triple the price of the doughnut. But the first time Sergio attempted it, he was immediately expelled from the school. This seemed very unfair to him as the punishment received by everyone else guilty of the same crime was much less severe. Many similar experiences made the boy feel as though God took a special interest in him, making him suffer the consequences of his sin faster than others seemed to.
Despite this, he did not refrain from trying every avenue of sinful pleasure he could think of to fill the void in his life. On the one hand, he intensely desired to be at peace and know he was living rightly, but on the other hand, he desperately wanted to enjoy his sin. Why couldn’t he have both? he wondered. With this thought in mind, he sought counsel from friends and family, seeking to know whether they had as much trouble finding peace as he was having. More than anything, he wanted reassurance that his lifestyle was not the cause of the consequences he was experiencing. He wanted to know that he could have peace while living however he pleased. However, the worldly wisdom they offered, left Sergio feeling just as miserable.
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Sergio could feel the blood draining from his head as he read the text for the second time. Anguish gripped him as he threw himself onto the bed, weeping bitterly. “It isn’t true! It can’t be true.” he screamed. Ivan had always been there for Sergio throughout their childhood. Growing up with a violent father had made the two brothers inseparable. They always had each other’s back. As Sergio tried to grasp what he had just read, his mind wandered back to their childhood. For some reason, their father took special delight in using his horse whip on Ivan more than on his other sons. While Sergio only received a whipping a handful of times, his older brother felt the unharnessing of father’s anger at least two to three times a week. He knew that Ivan had gone through a lot in life, but suicide? Surely there was some terrible mistake. Sergio was aware of the fact that Ivan’s marriage had suffered greatly as a result of the pain he had taken into it from his past, not to mention their financial troubles, but he couldn’t bring himself to believe that he was actually gone. Was there no one who had answers for people like Ivan? Was peace only attainable when life was ended? These questions tormented Sergio.
Dealing with the aftermath of his brother’s death was the hardest transition Sergio ever had to face. With no one he could blame, or from whom to seek revenge, he vented his anger on God. ‘Surely no good God would allow such a thing to happen.’ he reasoned. ‘Therefore,’ he concluded, ‘God must not exist.’
Thus began Sergio’s quest to convince everyone in his path, that God did not exist. This lasted for a couple years, until one day he finally came to grips with the fact that there was too much evidence against him to deny God’s existence. He himself had been witness of how God had been present throughout his life. “It’s ridiculous to try and brush away Your existence, God.” Sergio finally admitted, “But I want nothing to do with You. I can make my own way in life and be happy without You. Just leave me alone!”
As the years elapsed, Sergio found himself married and fathering a baby girl. He believed that this would be the solution to rid himself of his addictions. But although he tried to be a responsible husband and father, he knew deep down that the pain in his heart still remained. Sergio and Susana’s relationship had been strained from the very start, with many wrong decisions and hurtful choices preceding their marriage. Every morning they woke up to a hopeless existence. Evenings were filled with angry shouting and arguing. They were headed toward a sure divorce. It seemed only a matter of time. However, their financial troubles were so severe, they could not even afford to get a divorce, so for the time being, they had no option but to put up with each other.
…But then came Jesus
“I’ve had it with this man!” Susana said in despair as she poured out her heart to her sister. “All we do when we’re together is argue and fight. I don’t want my daughters growing up with that. What’s the point of staying in a relationship where neither of us are willing to lift a finger to try and make things better. I just want out. I’m sure if I explain things to father he’d understand and let me and the girls move in with them.” Her sister listened patiently.
“You know Susy,” she began, “I’ve started attending a women’s Bible study on Thursday’s. We meet at one of the lady’s homes and have a wonderful time studying God’s word and sharing our burdens with each other. Why don’t you join me some time? I think it might be just what you need to get your mind off the present situation.” Susana frowned at her sister. Going to a Bible study was the last thing she felt like doing. Although they had been raised Catholic, Susana began questioning her religious upbringing in her teenage years. One time in particular as she sat in mass, she looked up at the statue of the virgin Mary standing at the front of the church and wondered to herself, ‘How can she hear us, if she’s just a piece of clay?’ This did not make sense to her, but at the time, the young girl decided to simply believe what she had been told and not ask questions. However, as the years past, other things began resonating in her mind, concerning the legitimacy of the Catholic beliefs.
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“Very well.” said the priest flatly. “Repeat this prayer and do not commit these sins again, my child.”
With that, he dismissed Susana. As the teenager walked away she left with a deep feeling of dissatisfaction. ‘What does that man do with all the sins confessed to him?’ she wondered. ‘Does he then have to go and repeat everything to God? And how can he remember what this long line of people tell him? Who is he, or what authority does he have to do this?’ These quandaries led Susana to distance herself from religion. She only did enough to pass as a Catholic and thus not arouse her parents concern or suspicion that she was in reality a pagan.
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“I want you to know that I’m not going to say a word at the Bible study.” Susana emphasized as they approached the house. “The only reason I’m going is so you’ll stop bugging me about this.” she grumbled. Her sister simply smiled and nodded her agreement.
As they entered the house filled with ladies, Susana was immediately taken aback by their friendly behavior towards her. As the evening progressed, she heard a story very similar to her own from one of the women attending. In the end, despite her promises not to say a word, Susana poured out her heart to these kind people who listened with interest and empathized with her pain. They then went on to gently explain that God had a design for marriage, and that Susana was not understanding what her part was within that design. She also learned that there is an enemy of our souls. Susana was greatly impacted to realize that her husband was not her enemy but rather Satan was the one attacking both her and her family.
As the evening drew to a close, the ladies had agreed to study the Bible with Susana every Thursday, with the goal that she might come to know the God of designs, who had designed marriage and created her and who didn’t want her family to suffer the consequences of Susana’s selfish decisions.
A very liberated and elated Susana returned home that day. This greatly irritated Sergio who had agreed to take care of the girls so she could go to what he imagined was a group of conspiratory women who had nothing better to do than sit around and gossip about their poor husbands. But as the weeks progressed, he noticed that Susy always returned from her Thursday night gatherings looking peaceful and content. Desiring to burst her bubble and bring her back to the miserable reality he was experiencing, he came up with a plan.
“I’m not taking care of the girls for you on Thursdays anymore.” he stated emphatically. When Susana protested, he shot back, “If you want to keep going to that place you’ll have to take ‘em with you.”
‘That should put a damper on things.’ he congratulated himself smugly. But his plan backfired when the following Thursday, not only did a joyful Susana come home, but trailing along behind her were two cheerful little girls. Now everyone at home was happy except for him.
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“The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.” (Pro. 14:1) Susana stared at the verse. If this statement was true, (and she had learned over the course of months she had been studying, that God’s word was indeed true,) then she was not the moral person she had always thought. Perhaps there were no huge sins in her life that people considered serious, but through this verse she understood that she was the foolish woman who was tearing down her house, and that she too needed a Savior.
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Sergio spent the fifty minutes it took to get from his job back to his home much in the same way he had spent the fifty minutes to and from work for the past week—mulling over how he would make Susy mad this evening. It had become a new priority for him to demonstrate that she was still the same irritable, selfish person he had married. But it was becoming increasingly hard to prove that. Something was different, but he couldn’t quite place his finger on it.
Finally one day, Sergio attempted his final thrust. He thought of every complaint he had against her and unloaded it all in one fell swoop. All he received in return was serenity and peace. “How can you respond that way?” he yelled. “Have you gone mad, or what? Can’t you see all the problems we have? Can’t you see the debts we’re in? Can’t you see that we can’t even feed our daughters properly? How can you be so calm?”
After a moment, Susy calmly replied, “Yes, I see the problems; but somehow, I think it’ll all work out.”
Sergio stared incredulously at his wife. “Well I don’t know what you’ve been doing or what pills you’re taking,” he finally began, “but whatever it is, that’s what I need. I want to experience that peace you have.”
Susana confessed to her husband that for the past year, on Thursday nights she had actually been studying the Bible. Knowing how he felt about God, she hadn’t wanted to tell him, out of fear of how he would respond. “I’ve come to know Christ, and it’s Him who has given me this peace.”
Sergio was ready. He had no more fight left. After hearing his wife’s confession, he meekly answered, “Well if that’s what’s made you this way, then teach me. Teach me everything you’ve learned.”
The Bible lesson sheets which had taken Susy a year to finish, took Sergio only weeks to complete. The couple sat together for hours, filling out the very study Susana had been given by the ladies at her Thursday Bible study. Susy taught her husband everything she knew. However, during one of the studies, as she tried to explain how God can forgive us, Serio threw up his hands in despair and said, “Then I’m doomed. God could never forgive me for the things I’ve done.” Susy tried her best to assure him that there was forgiveness even for the worst of sinners, but Sergio would hear none of it. “Listen, woman,” he exclaimed. “I wouldn’t forgive someone who offended me the way I’ve offended God, therefore, God won’t forgive me!”
When they had completed all the lessons of that study, Sergio urged his wife to ask the “conspiratory women” for more material. But they denied her request and told her it was time they find a church to attend where they could learn more from God’s word. Sergio was reticent to go at first, but seeing no other alternative, he finally gave in and began attending a Bible church with his family.
But in his desperation to find God, Sergio had fallen into an age-old trap. He thought he could earn God’s favor by doing things to appease Him. He learned how to pray, read his Bible and be a moral person, but he was still not experiencing the peace he yearned for. He wondered what could be missing.
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As Sergio scanned the radio stations in his car trying to get to his favorite hip-hop channel, he was abruptly interrupted by the words “Stop what you’re doing and pay attention!” Sergio was amused by the Christian preacher he had stumbled upon while flipping channels. “Ok.” he agreed playfully as he waited for what followed. “Are you trying to gain God’s favor? Are you asking favors of Him or asking Him to change your current situation?” Sergio listened more closely as all of a sudden this was becoming personal. “Stop asking favors of God.” continued the preacher. “God is not someone who is just there to fulfill your every whim. What you must understand is that you need Jesus. The greatest gift you can ask God to give you, is Himself.” A lightbulb went on in Sergio’s mind as he finally understood that what he needed was not for God to change his circumstances or fix his marriage or financial situation. What he needed was God’s presence in his life. That day he texted Susy and said, “I understand now.”
It was not long after this, that Sergio’s search for peace found its culmination in Jesus. He came to see how a righteous, offended God could forgive such a wretch. “You see,” he stated later in his own words, “God did pour out all His wrath for my offenses. God did punish my sin, in the way that corresponds to a just God who hates sin, as corresponds to a powerful God when someone like me offends, insults and curses Him. God did it. He didn’t leave my sin without a punishment. And as a result there was death and shedding of blood. The perfect punishment for the way in which I offended Him was to be beaten to death and to shed much blood. And I told Him, ‘Yes Lord, do it! Here I am and I deserve it.’ But He didn’t do it to me. He did it to His own Son. And He received me with arms wide open, as if I had never committed even the tiniest offense against Him. This love is so great that my life would be meaningless if I did not live it for Him.”
Sergio’s story could be summarized in the following verses from Psalm 107.
15. They shall give thanks to the Lord for His mercy,
And for His wonders to the sons of mankind!
16 For He has shattered gates of bronze
And cut off bars of iron.
17 Fools, because of their rebellious way,
And because of their guilty deeds, were afflicted.
18 Their souls loathed all kinds of food,
And they came close to the gates of death.
19 Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble;
He saved them from their distresses.
20 He sent His word and healed them,
And saved them from their destruction.
21 They shall give thanks to the Lord for His mercy,
And for His wonders to the sons of mankind!
Epilogue: In Sergio’s words, “God has put something special in my heart—the desire to share with others the gospel. Because I know how they live. I know how they’re suffering the consequences of sin, not only of their own, but also…those of the world. I can understand that there are people, like my brother, who need that counsel and wisdom from God. To know that there is a different way of life. There is counsel for us who are living in the world. And if they could understand, that the true problem is sin…that can transform lives…My desire with this (testimony) is that people might see that God causes all things to work together for good. May all the glory be to Christ.”